Culture

This week in class we discussed culture. Culture is defined as “the customs, arts, social institutions, and achievements of a particular nation, people, or other social group” it is not defined by skin color, language, or geography. Many people don’t realize that culture is all around us. We have culture in our countries, in our religions, in our friend groups and in our families. Culture doesn’t have to be big. One of the cultures in my own family is the act of serving others. My parents taught their children from a young age to serve those around us. They would invite new people at church over for dinner or help someone move. It made a big impact on my life and I now try to keep an eye out for opportunities to serve those around me.

We talked in class a lot about culture in the families specifically when a situation presents itself where a child has to take on the role of a parent. Let’s say we have a family with a mom, dad, and three children. The dad ends up getting cancer and dying, and so the oldest child feels the need to step up and help the mom take care of the rest of the family. They might get a job to help mom pay the bills, or if they’re not old enough to do that, they will watch the kids while mom goes to work. Mom might make them responsible for cleaning the house, making dinner, and helping their younger siblings with homework so mom can work, and they can keep their house. Before you know it, the oldest child takes on the responsibility and burden of being a parent. Does this sound fair? No, not at all, but it is happening all around us.

Another thing that was brought up was whether parents should let their children carry their burdens. Let’s say that instead of the dad dying, mom and dad are fighting and are thinking about getting a divorce. Mom talks to the oldest child and dad talks to the second oldest child. This intune causes the children to take sides. The oldest child starts resenting dad and blaming him for all the problems going on in the family. They feel like he’s never there and when he is, all he does is yell at them. On the flip side, the second child starts resenting mom. They feel like mom has put too much pressure on the dad to provide for the family. They don’t feel like mom truly listens to them and is being too hard on dad. Can you see the issues here? By mom and dad bring the children into their problems, it's dividing the family.

Different countries have different cultures. Yes, some are better than others, but just because one is different doesn’t mean it's bad. A lot of people end up coming to America because they believe we have a better culture than they do. In class we discussed a story of a family who lived in Mexico and wanted to come to the US. They had a great life in Mexico and were really happy. The mom was able to stay home and take care of the house and kids while the dad was able to work and make a living for the family. They decided to come to America because they’ve heard great things and wanted the opportunities the US brings people. It took the family several years to all get here, with the dad leaving first, and when they finally all got here, they realized there is no such thing as an “American dream”. It was so hard for them to adjust to the cultural here.

Anytime we go somewhere new, it can take some time to get use to the cultural and adjust to your new way of life, but just because you move, doesn’t mean you can’t bring some of your culture with you. What are some things about your own culture that you love, and things you want to change.

 

Family Rules

This week in class we talked about family rules and how the effect the family. In The Family: A Proclamation to the World, it states: “Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalm 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live.” Every family goes about teaching their children right from wrong in different ways. Some families have a paper posted on the fridge or wall with “Family Rules” on them for everyone to see. Rules like listen to mom and dad, keep your hands to yourself, no lying exc. But today I would like to talk specifically about the family rules that are unspoken lists of acceptable/ unacceptable behaviors which influenced family origins. Things that you know you need to do (or know not to do) but no one had to really tell them to you.

In my family this was most of our rules. My parents weren’t strict in the fact that we had to have straight As or be the best on the sports team, but we did have to do OUR best. My siblings growing up thought my parents had double standards, because two of us would come home with the same grades and only one would get into trouble. That was because one did their homework work every night and study hard for test, and one would sleep through class, and no do homework. If I had to say my parents were “strict” about anything, it was the way we treated those around us, and more specifically our elders. My parents’ biggest rule was we had to use “Mr. or Mrs. when addressing adults. I remember growing up we had a neighbor next door that we were really close with. We walked outside one day and I said “Hi Karen!” and my dad immediately was like “That’s Mrs. Karen to you!” and you can better believe I never called her Karen again!

It was the same at church, we needed to say Brother/Sister and not first names, no matter how close we were to them outside of church. I still have this habit today. Even as an adult. Those people who were my leaders growing up are still Brother/Sister. It's gotten to the point where if I'm talking to my parents I can be like “Julie…” but when I'm taking to them its Sister Camarena. My parents taught me that this was a sign of respect. As well as using Mr. and Mrs. we were also taught to use yes sir and no sir. This has also caried onto my adulthood. So many people have told me “Kaity, you don’t need to call me ma’am” but I always tell them it was the way I was raised, and if I don’t, I hear my dad asking me “yes what? until I said, “yes ma’am”.

When we are stressed, we often resort back to old family rules/ways. I've noticed in my own life when I'm in a new situation, or don’t know someone every well, I’ll use Sir and Ma’am more than if I was in a relaxed state. When things are done over and over again, they become like second nature to us. It's not a bad thing and I honestly think it's a good idea to get into the habit of showing people respect.

I work at a daycare and it's one of my favorite things. I love being able to tech children the importance of respecting people. When serving them lunch, we ask the kids if they would like this or that. Sometimes the kids would blurt out “NO” or YES! before we even had the change to ask them. After a while I noticed myself telling them “how about we say yes please, or no thank you.” Whenever I do that, I think to myself “man I sound like me parents!” I honestly love that my parents have taught me respect and how to treat those around me.

It's totally normal to fall back on the things you were taught when teaching others. It's natural for you to do those things, and makes you feel like you’re doing something right. What are some of your “family rules” that you want to pass down to your children?

 Why is Studying the Family so Difficult?

This week in class we talked about researching the family and why the are the way they are. Why do some families seem more successful than others, or why is this family happier than that family? The bottom line is this: no two families are the same, and what you see on the outside is not always what’s on the inside. In the Disney movie Aladdin, it quotes “Never be fooled by what you see on the outside because on the inside it's often a different story.” People only let you see what they want you to see. If they don’t want people to know their fighting with their spouse, or that their kids are a hand full, they won’t let you see that. They will put up the “big happy family” act and pretend in public that everything is fine. This is one reason that it is so hard to study the family. Unless you put hidden cameras in someone’s house, you’re never going to know what its truly like to live there. We also have to take into consideration why someone is the way the are. What has happened in their life to make them this way? Was there a traumatic event in their life, or was that the way they were raised? All things to consider when questioning why people do certain things.

Research is an important thing to do. People do research every day. They can come across thousands of articles on different subjects and the authors perspective on that subject. The hard part then is figuring out what is true and what is false. In class we discussed the APA (American Psychological Association) brief on same sex marriage. This brief quoted that “"Not a single study has found children of lesbian or gay parents to be disadvantaged in any significant respect relative to children of heterosexual parents.” Upon reading this brief you find out that it has some pretty significant design flaws, which make it difficult to be confident in many of the researcher's reported findings. It has a table in the article that list a few of the “experiments” or studies that were conducted. A lot of them had very small groups and no comparison groups at all. Without comparing the gay/lesbian groups to a group of heterosexuals, you don’t really know the differences with raising children between the two groups. This alone I feel like discredits the author. He just put out what he wanted people to hear, not necessarily the accurate findings. This proves that its important when researching to look at all the data and find as much information as possible. It’s not enough to read an article and take it as face value, you have really look at the information given and see if you agree with it. Also find more than one article and compare what their saying. If they’re both saying different things, you may need to read a third article and see if that one agrees with one of the previous articles you read.

You also need to take into consideration that “It would be unethical to carry out many experiments on human beings to see if we can control their experiences, thoughts, feelings, behaviors and choices” (How Science Works, and How We Can Know What is True). The people being studied are people who feel like they want to/can make a difference and aren’t always the “typical family.” They again will only let you see what they want you to see. It's hard for people to let others see them vulnerable or who they truly are because they don’t want people to judge them. We as a society are so concerned with how others see us that we are only going to volunteer to be a part of a study if we feel like we are doing it the “right way” and have nothing to worry about doing “wrong”

I want to end with a quote by Marge Kennedy about family “In truth a family is what you make it. It is made strong, not by number of heads counted at the dinner table, but by the rituals you help family members create, by the memories you share, by the commitment of time, caring, and love you show to one another, and by the hopes for the future you have as individuals and as a unit."

 Hello! My name is Kaity Tackett and I'm a student at Brigham Young University Idaho studying Child Development. I grew up in Yorktown Virginia with my parents and 5 siblings. I have a passion for children and helping them to feel loved. This blog is to help share what I am learning about families in my Family Relations class. I hope to share insight into my beliefs and why I believe them. I am a strong member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Later-day Saints and hope to incorporate both a spiritual and logical perspective. Please join me in this journey as we work to understand and promote healthy families.